Holidaze. The time of year that you lord your domesticity over your friends and serve them a pie to go with their Four Loco premium malt beverage/energy drink. Yes, a time for domesticity. Yes it is. Yes. It IS. Stop fighting it, make the best of it, and serve a damn pie, I say. This pie is is easier to bake than most, and it’s an ice cream pie so it’s ironic in a white trash chic sort of way – you’re welcome. It’s minty, it’s simple, and it has a butthole… er… chocolate asterisk on top. Here’s how to make it…
All photography shot for EVB by Allison Michael Orenstein
STEP 1: THE CRUST
Take 22 mint flavored Neuman’s Own fake-Oreo cookies (art fags can taste the difference – don’t use real Oreos). Smash them up in a plastic bag, or use a pastry blender, crushing them into fine crumbs that resemble coarse sand. Now add 5 tablespoons of unsalted butter. Just do it, and stop asking questions. Stir it up until you have a nice paste. Press the paste into a pie shell, and bake it at 350 for 15 minutes. Now take a rubber spatula and smooth that shit out again. Make it look pretty – people are judging you. Go listen to Arcade Fire on Pandora or something while you let it cool off completely.
STEP 2: THE FILLING
Ben and Jerry’s Oreo Mint Ice Cream. Press it into the filling when it’s COMPLETELY cooled and then freeze that shit. While it’s freezing, and you’re waiting for your ‘delivery’ from your local ‘service,’ whip some cream. Heavy cream, sugar, and a little vanilla should do it. Not too much vanilla – it shouldn’t taste like your weird Aunt’s breath smells.
When the ice cream has solidified again, add the whipped cream, spreading it smooth with a rubber spatula. At this point, if you’re too lazy to make the EVB Ass-terisk, you can crush some peppermint candies and put it on top of the pie. You could do that – I wouldn’t. There’s a fine line between kitschy and tacky and you just crossed it.
STEP 3: THE EVB ASTERISK
Make a pie crust. Here, I’ll show you how on my blog. Now roll the crust out and freeze it for 10 minutes. Then take a non-toxic washable marker, draw the asterisk, and cut it out with a paring knife. Bake that fucker. 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes should do it, but use your head. Don’t overdo it, kiddo.
Meanwhile, while you’re baking, temper some expensive chocolate – a whole big bar should to it. Don’t freak out, tempering is just melting over low temperature in a double-boiler. What? Then go buy a double-boiler. Give up ONE NIGHT of drinking at the Boiler Room and get your ass over to Williams-Sonoma. Okay, well then just do it in a microwave then, Jesus. I don’t own a microwave either. I don’t know what to tell you.
Let the crust cool. Keep the chocolate warm and drizzle it all over and coat it up. Freeze it for 10 min. When the chocolate sets, TAKE IT OUT. Because! It can crack and get chalky looking. Put it on the pie. You’re done.
Most people make terrible pies that look good from a distance – like a Seurat painting, or Hillary Clinton. Don’t do that. Make your friends jealous of your fantastic life by serving them something gorgeous. Come visit me at Piefolk. And, Merry Xmas, boys.